I always tell people how important it is to have a boundary discussion before you even start to do BDSM with someone. Fine – You have done all the preparations and had that discussion, then what?

One thing that I find hard is actually to tell when then BDSM session should start, as I am not living in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with total power exchange. Its no fun making arrangements like “Do you want to get flogged tonight?” as that will take the surprise and spontaneity out of the whole thing.

We have solved that in a ritualised manner with a collar. Our marker, that tells us that we are in a BDSM mode, is a collar. The collar can only be put on by me, but Allsmiles can of course ask me to put it on. When the collar is being put on, then we use our BDSM personas.

I have always found it hard to go in and out of my BDSM persona without a clear marker that tells me when the BDSM session starts, so I have always used a collar to mark the start and end of the BDSM session and when I am going into my dominant persona. A collar is of course not the only thing you can use, you can use a specific piece of clothing or a ring – Something that you both have agreed upon.

The collar have a couple of different meanings to me as well, one of the most important ones are the sense of belonging – Through the collar I am showing Allsmiles that she belongs to me, not as something I own, but as a partner and that she is supposed to submit to me.

It also represent the responsibility I have towards her and that I am supposed to take care of her and handle her in a trustworthy manner. 

The collar is a persona boundary, a psychological failsafe. When the collar is on then I am using my BDSM persona and the things I do to Allsmiles are done with that in mind – It means I am not doing them to her as her boyfriend.

Does that sound complicated? Well, it might be a bit complicated but the purpose is to prevent a spill over effect. Frustrations and anger that are built up during the BDSM session are supposed to stay within the BDSM session and not reflect upon our relationship as boy- and girlfriend. This is of course easier said than done, but my opinion is that the collar helps us to do that in a very explicit way. There is of course no guarantee that a spill over will never happen and it has happened, and that is when a good aftercare is necessary on a psychological level.

If I am mean to Allsmiles in a BDSM session, then that doesn’t mean that I am mean to her as a boyfriend. It is really important to differentiate between these things if you are going to survive in a relationship with BDSM as a one common ground – And sometimes rituals are necessary to help that differentiation.


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