I feel a certain need to write about this past weekend.

We had a wonderful time visiting friends. We did have a great time but it wasn´t as good a trip as I had hoped for.  I´m not sure what I had expected really, but whatever it was I became my own obstacle. Nobody’s fault but my own.  I´m afraid I spent the last day in a very strange mood and didn´t say or do much. Apart from playing games on my phone I mainly just sat there.  I did try to be social, I really did!

BDSM was discussed a lot this weekend and it continued on the train ride home. We had just over 4 hours on a train so we had a lot of time to talk Master and I.

We talked about my behaviour during the first night, which could have ended in disaster but didn´t this time around. We talked about why I do like I did. It would seem that I have to reach something that looks like subspace every 2-3 weeks. If I don´t have Masters help pushing me that way I´ll get there myself, not caring who gets hurt in the process. Not that I want to hurt anyone but I´m just not aware of what I´m doing which can be rather dangerous. Just about anything could happen.Master made a choice of not pushing me this time as it was the first time I met these people in real life. I’ve only talked with them through Second Life and Skype before and because we were so far away from the “safety” of home. I was upset, we talked about it, things calmed down and we moved on.

Sort of.

I was in a weird mood the rest of our stay. When leaving got closer I was in a spell, I didn´t know what to do with myself. I needed something to do, but was unable to do anything. I wanted to walk from room to room trying to run away from whatever it was I was feeling. I was stuck in limbo.

Unable to carry on and hit some sort of space similar to subspace and unable to go back. I was hanging in mid air.

So on the train, we talked about what I felt I needed, what Master thought I need and what we both get from what we are doing. We also talked about the fact that I feel that I´m not a good submissive, that I always do wrong. The way I always try to fight back whenever Master is pushing my buttons and the way I always try every trick in the book to stay in control. But I need that fight, I need to be the naughty submissive. The harder I fight back the harder I hit subspace. Master enjoys the challenge and its just the way I work, therefor it is right for us.

We also talked about the fact that I want more our BDSM to be a bit more physical. I don´t like pain, in fact I hate it. I don´t want to be spanked or flogged, but at the same time I do want it, need it in some ways. If I don´t get it I feel that something is missing. I don´t want Master to spank me, but he has to, it´s part of the deal.. I´m not sure I´m making any sense but I don´t really know how the explain it.

It was a very needed conversation, just the two of us with no interruptions. I feel like we have taken a big step on our journey.