I always get the question, how to be a good dom.

Let’s first start with the biggest misunderstandings:

Being a dominant doesn’t mean that you have to be rude. A lot of people that try the occasional BDSM in Second Life actually think the more rude you are, the more dominant you are. That is wrong and it’s probably due to the anonymity that Second Life offers.

Never expect non-consentual parties to participate in the dominant play. The dominance is a play between you and the sub, as a dom you can never expect a third party to be a part of the training that you do with your subs. A kind request could always be put out – But a no should always be respected.

Just because people are dead horny doesn’t mean that they will become good subs. Finding a good partner/sub/dom is similar to building a relationship to anyone in Real Life. It is all about chemistry and trust and it is a good thing if the relationship is built on the same thing within BDSM as well – The element of trust is even more important in BDSM as you hand over the control to the dom/me.

Let’s take a look of what you should do:

There is a expectation on your behaviour as a dom. To me a dom sets the standards, that means that you should have a high degree of politeness towards people in general. A gentleman’s way of being is good before a scene and after a scene, during aftercare and debriefing. An emotionally straining scene always puts the responsibility on the dom to catch the sub as they recover emotionally from an intense scene.

Treat everyone with respect. This is a tricky part as a scene can call for some disrespectful behaviour towards your sub. But the real respect is carried out by “reading” your sub all the time during the scene. As a dom you have a responsibility to fulfill the needs of someone else as well. This statment will probably be debated, dependant of what thought you have around the role of a dom.

Always have a boundary discussion. Your sub is treating your with a great deal of respect as you are given the trust to have total control – Honor that respect by not stepping over established hard limits.

Always debrief a scene, even if you do it in SL. BDSM in Second Life can, if it is good, mess with people’s heads – Don’t underestimate that fact.

Always have a mindset that puts you in a learning mode. There are no “end level” or a fully learned dom. Dominants that are inexperienced, but willing to learn are easy to handle as they realise their limits. Doms that think that they are fully learned, that they know it all, are the most dangerous ones. They don’t realise their mistakes and as they don’t do this then they don’t learn from them either. This is also one of the reasons that Real Life scenes might go wrong.

If you feel that you are inexperienced – Acknowledge it. Get a mentor, talk to other doms, take their advice for it. The same thing if you are a sub. The combination of an inexperienced sub and an inexperienced dom in Real Life is really dangerous. One solution is to have a mentor dom, dungeon master that might supervise the scene.

If you have more advice on how to be a good dom, then please feel free to add to this list in the comments.


DeSade Magazine covers BDSM from the inside. It is an online magazine created and crafted by experienced BDSM practitioners for anyone who is interested in personal stories, techniques, how-to’s and everything surrounding BDSM around the world.


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