Our discussion group has been revived and it was invigorating to see that people were keen on discussing different matters around BDSM, both in real life and in Second Life.

We had our discussion group on the 25th of January and we were about 15 people participating in the discussion. The ambition with the discussions is to spread knowledge about different views and opinions within BDSM. This wonderful kink can of course be expressed and practiced in so many ways and the discussions in themselves are not supposed to be normative in any sense, other than provide guidelines around matters regarding the kink.

The topic this time was: “How should a dominant behave towards an unowned vs. an owned submissive?”

This topic has come out of behaviours expressed by dominants that we have encountered, mostly in SL (even though I have seen parts of it in real life as well). We often encounter dominants who approach submissives, who they do not own or have any relationship with, as they were public property. They order submissives to call them Master/Mistress, they send instant messages asking for sex or play or touch the submissive constantly.

All the submissives involved in the discussion thought this was definitely out of line behaviour. Do not touch submissive who you do not own, don’t abuse submissives who you do not own unless it has been agreed upon. Basically the same scene etiquette that is applied in RL. In mostcases I would say that sexually roleplaying a submissive in Second Life without a consent is revoking the same feelings of abuse as it would in real life. It is easier to get out of such a situation in SL compared to RL tho.

As a dominant I always try to treat submissives who I do not own with a expected level of respect as I want to have in return from the one that I am interacting with. I do not expect a random submissive to call me Master – That is a privilege exclusive to the one that I own – As a matter of fact; I don’t want to be called Master by someone that I am not taking a special interest in. 

If I speculate on why random dominants try to dominate owned submissives then I always end up with a line of thoughts telling me that it has something to do with the challenge, to try and prove to themselves that they are better than the Dominant owning the submissive. It might also be that the feeling of inaccessibility is fueling their disrespectful behaviour – The submissive is unavailable just to tease the random dominant?

The fact still remains; if you approach an already owned submissive and try to order them around, sexually roleplay them without a consent etc then you are quite disrespectful to what an ownership actually means and you are also disrespectful towards the choice that the submissive has done: To be with another Dominant and NOT you!

Show some security in your dominance, create an aura of self awareness and security around your person, and then you are on your way to earn your reputation as a good dominant.


DeSade Magazine covers BDSM from the inside. It is an online magazine created and crafted by experienced BDSM practitioners for anyone who is interested in personal stories, techniques, how-to’s and everything surrounding BDSM around the world.


Say hello, your praise or ask a simple question. We want to communicate with you.