I would like to continue on AllSmiles post about how important the pairing up is. That is one of the most important things to me as a dominant. To me BDSM is something that is connected to close feelings and intimacy. This is where the trust originates from and I would actually say that it’s not only the submissive that puts trust in the hands of the dominant – The dominant puts trust into the hands of the submissive as well.
Trust is an elusive thing at times – Hard to grasp, hard to explain. Sometimes it is there based on a gut-feeling and at other times it is something that builds up as you get to know the other person. To me, trust comes from the feelings I have towards the other person.
As a dominant I put a lot of trust in the hands of my submissive, I trust her to guide me as well – To help me stay tuned in. Some of you might think that the dominant is one in charge and that is the way it should be – The dominant is in control and the submissive should trust the dominant to handle that control accordingly.
That is something that is partly true and partly wrong to me as I have a different perspective on it. The dominant and submissive is in a symbiotic relationship, most things go both ways. I have to put a lot of trust in the hands of my submissive as I trust her to tell me things or in some other way communicate with me. I trust my submissive to tell me if I am doing the right thing, I trust my submissive to tell me if she is not satisfied with how I am doing things and I trust her to trust herself – And she most certainly trust me to do the same thing.
Trust is not only about handing over control to the other partner – It’s also about having the responsibility to have a continuous communication open. This actually relates to every relationship you have in life, but I think it is even more important in a relationship when you have BDSM thrown into the mix.
A submissive should never lose his/her voice, and things should always be discussed by both the dominant as well as submissive. To me it doesn’t matter if you are a top or bottom, if you don’t express your expectations, wishes or feelings, then you have a relationship going wrong. A growing fear of communication will effectively kill any relationship.
I put the trust in the hands of my submissive that she will keep the continuous dialog going and she most certainly expects me to do the same. Having BDSM in a relationship shouldn’t affect ones ability to communicate – What you do in a scene and what you do to maintain the relationship are two separate things.
How do I know all this, and how does AllSmiles know this?
The answer is quite simple: We communicate while we dance together in our symbiotic dance…
Fröken is all smiles 😉
Such a good post and topic, Stoltz Sir and Fröken AllSmiles.
Mutual building of trust is the essence of BDSM, I think; in each other, but also in oneself. Good BDSM builds both the dominant and the submissive, and breaks or harms neither. It builds in the skills of reading others, especially each other but even of other people; it builds respect including respect for oneself, as fears are shared and met; it builds communication skills; and 🙂 it builds erotic pleasure and capacity which in my humble opinion is a very good thing. And BDSM actually builds compassion and its more intimate cousin, love.
Miss Cloud thinks of her submissives with love and compassion… and gets out this really cool whip… “Ready, my pets?”
cloud the submissive looks at her approaching Master, trembling, a little afraid and so so happy.
Great post – it brings up a lot of the ideas that have come up in recent workshops I’ve attended, as well as a presentation I put together with @cherrysredshoes for the Ann Arbor GRUE. We always talk about communication as necessary, but using it as a vehicle for trust is not always emphasized. The thing is, the flip side of trust is vulnerability, and it takes a lot of vulnerability to authentically communicate your needs. “What if he thinks I’m a wussy dom if I say I want a hug after the scene?” “What if she thinks I’m a bad sub if I ask her to hit me so hard I can’t think straight?” Taking the risk to really say what you want: that takes courage. Or, as one master at the Vancouver GRUE put it: “I am so in LOVE with my sub as I beat her, I’m crying with joy. Isn’t that weak?”
The rest of us sat in stunned silence for a moment, then agreed. “No. You have to be incredibly brave to allow yourself to feel that deeply.” I’m sure I was not the only one who wished they had that kind of courage…
@Graydancer @cherrysredshoes I think you are spot on when you claim that with trust comes vulnerability, I usually talk about exposure. You need (as a Dom) to expose your emotions, as well as your inner core, if you want your submissive to trust you. Sometimes parts of the BDSM community grow the myth that a Dominant should be the strong, tall and silent stranger with everything under control.
To some extent that is true, the Dominant should always be in control, but the Dominant is also a human. As a Dominant I cry, I get emotional, I hate, I love and I commit myself to my submissive – Fully and with no restrictions. I don’t hold back at all, which also means that I have to honestly expose my weaknesses and by doing so I’m also showing my submissive that the relationship is an honest one and hiding behind masks isn’t doing the relationship and the BDSM journey any good.
I’m leading by example and if I open up fully then my submissive will also open up and trust me, as trust is always a two way street.
Thank you for a great comment that made me develop my thoughts a bit further.