With Consent Comes Responsibility

We have all heard the aged old sentence usually mentioned within the BDSM community – “Submission is a gift”.

I totally agree with this statement, but I believe that it shouldn’t be used as a sort of definition on how much responsibility the Dominant is given by the submissive. If it is used for that reason then it tends to make the concept of responsibility quite one sided. Submission is a gift, but it puts responsibilities on the shoulders of the person that is giving the gift away as well.

Let us take a look at one definition of responsibility:

“Responsibility can be defined as assuming accountability for a task, decision or action. A person is said to be responsible for something when he or she accepts the consequences of something.”

In the book, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey’s first habit, being proactive is all about taking responsibility. He advises the following:

“Look at the word responsibility – “response-ability” – the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling.”

This means that you have to do things right by yourself – Don’t look for reasons outside yourself why things didn’t go your way.

I might sound harsh and maybe even a bit cynical when I am stating this, but let us revert this back to consent.

When you consent to certain activities within BDSM, then you have to have a basic understanding of what they might lead up to or the consequences are if something goes wrong. I’ve heard too many people say “My partner told me it was a safe session and in the end it wasn’t!”

Don’t take the words from another person as a guarantee for your own safety – You have to have an understanding of what you are getting into before you can give a valid consent and sometimes you even have to be able to challenge the knowledge that your partner is exposing during a session, for your own good. Your safety is based on your knowledge and your willingnes to take a responsibility for it.

Your responsibility is to have an understanding, even if you love and trust your partner, because partners are not always aware of the fact that they might be doing things in an unsafe way.

You owe that to yourself and to your partner, before you hand over the control and consent to anything.

If you are under the impression that this post is targeted towards submissives, then you are wrong.

The same goes for all the Dominants out there, you have to take responsibility for your own actions and your own knowledge. As a Dominant you have to make sure that the consent you are given is based on a valid and sane understanding of what you are going to do.

You have to make sure that your partner totally understands the effects and consequences of your actions, just telling your partner what you might do in vague terms is not enough – You have to be absolute sure that they are prepared for what your actions might lead to in terms of emotions, reactions etc.

If they tell you that they are prepared and understand, then double check.

Submission is a gift and Dominance is the ability to nuture that gift – But taking responsibility for your own actions and well being is the best gift you can give your partner, independent of whether you are a Dominant or submissive.