Where Do You Start With BDSM Part 3 - The Importance of Honesty

It has been said before and I will say it again – Honesty is one of the most important things when you do BDSM

Some people might think that honesty is mostly about not lying and this is true, to a limited extent. Honesty is much more than not just lying – Honesty starts with yourself.

Yes, you read it right; Honesty not only something you show towards others as it actually starts with you being honest towards yourself. Honesty is something that is of uttermost necessity within BDSM and without it being in place you might run the risk of getting hurt, both emotionally and physically.

As I encounter people that are curious about BDSM and who show an interest in getting started I usually ask then one simple, but crucial, question; Why?This might seem, to some of you, that it’s none of my business to know why others want to develop their interest in BDSM, and you are right; it’s not. Unless it is someone I might be playing with it is none of my business what so ever. But I don’t ask that question because I am nosey or want to validate that other people are doing BDSM for all the right reasons – I ask the question because I want the other person to be honest towards themselves.

Almost any reason that you might have is of course valid, but I still ask that question because I want to see how honest the other person is towards themselves. To me, an honesty that is targeted towards yourself is very important trait when you do BDSM, it’s only then you look at yourself and critically do an inventory of your thoughts and from there you’ll probably be able to judge in which direction you are going.

I would even go so far and claim that honesty towards yourself comes before the trust you give and recieve from others. If you are clear in your mind when it comes to the reasons to why you want to do BDSM, then you are honest towards yourself. The particular reasons themselves don’t matter, you might be experimenting, BDSM might be a major part of your sexuality or you just want to spice up your sex life. In the end all these reasons don’t matter – The question is if you have articulated them towards yourself?

If you know where you are coming from, then you have a solid ground to why you want to do BDSM and I would say that it will make you reliable towards people you might want to play with – And with that comes trust.

I always try to do an inventory of my thoughts and feelings on a regularly basis, the BDSM related feelings in particular. I try to ask myself if I like what I am doing, if I have progressed into areas where I haven’t been before and what my reactions are towards certain things. It is valuable to me to have articulated these things in my mind because sooner or later I have to express this towards my submissive. If I am able to express these things in my discussions with her then she can trust my feelings and that I enjoy what we are doing.

You have to be honest towards yourself because if you aren’t then you become a danger towards yourself and the person you are playing with. It would be the equivalent to staying in a relationship which you are not satisfied with; it will not do you any good in the end.

I have about 5 honesty questions that I usually ask myself:

1. Do I like what I am doing? This one is really important, because if I don’t like what I am doing then I am reverting to a mild self destructive behaviour, the things I am doing should be fun to me and to my submissive.
2. Why do I want to do BDSM? This is a rationale that is the foundation of how I approach BDSM and my answer is pretty clear; It’s a part of who I am and my sexuality as I couldn’t live without the D/s element. It affects how I carry myself in a relationship and it affects my values as well as how I act in certain situations.
3. Can I handle it? I often need to take a look at myself and judge if I have the skills and even the psychological stamina to do what I am doing. If I am going into an area within BDSM where I haven’t been before and is fooling myself that I know what I am doing then I am a danger. I also try to be at a certain energy level before I go into any kind of play – If I don’t have it, then I stay away.
4. What are my feelings revolving around at the moment? Sometimes our feelings are quicker than the logical and externalising part of our brains, meaning we feel something but we don’t always know why. If I have feelings that needs to be sorted out then I need to process them so I know why I am having a certain feeling. If I don’t process them, then they will interfere with my BDSM.
5. Am I honest towards myself? This one makes me think one more time on all the other questions.

It doesn’t matter if you are a Dominant or a submissive, I think these questions are relevant independent of what you are within BDSM.

Honesty isn’t easy, especially the kind of honesty that requires you to take a good look in the mirror. It is sometimes excruciating and energy draining, but it is also necessary. So start working on your honesty right now if you are thinking about going into BDSM.

You can’t be honest towards others if you aren’t honest towards yourself.