I talked to a friend online a couple of weeks ago and she told me that she wasn’t a good submissive due to the fact that she did things on her own in play and didn’t always listen to the person dominating her. This made me think for a while about what is a good submissive.

I will approach this from a different angle; I will try my best to write about this from a non-dominant perspective. What I write is not always something that should be generalised and applied to every submissive in the world.

So here we go…

So what is a good submissive? This seems to be a holy graal to a lot of people, even on the dominant side and it is almost like people are looking for a benchmark to judge themselves against. Before we go further into the discussion I want to kill a big myth: BDSM is not a competition – There is no way to be “the best submissive”, it all depends on who you are playing with. Someone that is a good submissive to me could just be obnoxious to another dominant.

It is also easy, from an outside perspective, to only see external expressions of submission as things that makes a good submissive. Seeing things like kneeling, obedience etc. is very easy, seeing what is going on inside the submissive is somewhat harder.

But let’s get back to my friend’s opinion that she wasn’t a good submissve due to the above stated reasons, and now comes the funny part; Her own statement actually makes her a good submissive and she has the potential to become a really good one too. Her comments about her own submissive skills shows that she is doing something that is really important – Processing.

Processing is a really important skill within BDSM, it shows that you are able to take in all the experiences you made during a scene and deal with them and this is utterly important in order to develop your BDSM skills, no matter if you are a dominant or a submissive. How the processing is done and how long it takes is very individual, some submissives want to talk when the processing starts, while others don’t want to talk until they have externalised their thoughts and made them into something that is understandable. A good submissive skill is also to be able to involve the dominant in the processing or at least to be able to inform of what is going on. To me processing is done in tandem, some parts of the processing is driven by the dominant, other parts are driven by the submissive – But it is always done together.

It isn’t possible to express every experience or thought in words, but make no mistake about it – They will come out one way or the other and that is something that both the submissive and the dominant have to be prepared for. The solution that is the king in every BDSM related situation; Communication.

So my friend that inspired me to do this post is a good submissive in the making; She is communicating and she is processing.


DeSade Magazine covers BDSM from the inside. It is an online magazine created and crafted by experienced BDSM practitioners for anyone who is interested in personal stories, techniques, how-to’s and everything surrounding BDSM around the world.


Say hello, your praise or ask a simple question. We want to communicate with you.