Journal Post #9 - Control Freak Submissive

I know I´m somewhat of a control freak. Being submissive, I´m supposed to let go of all control and let Master handle everything.

This weekend, Master and I are going to make a trip to visit some friends of ours. Loads of planning, things to keep track of and generally more to control.

My mind is stuck in *full speed ahead* mode. Trying to plan everything, keep track of both myself, my Master and everything surrounding us. Trying to anticipate anything and everything that could potentially go wrong. What do we need to bring along? What do we want to bring with us? What alternatives do we have if one of the trains is late? What if it´s early?

Do I pack the sexy underwear? Or should I go for something that is comfortable instead? How many pairs of socks? Will there be time to get some washing done first? Where have I put that lovely black top?

What is Master going to wear? Anything of his that needs to be washed? Mended? What else is he going to bring? Toys? If so, which ones? Will he remember the screwdriver for my collar or should I pack that just in case?

Oh, I didn´t mention that the friends that we are visiting are also into BDSM did I? How could I forget? What else am I forgetting?

This isn´t going to be an easy weekend for either of us. Master will not let me stay in control for very long, and I will probably try every trick in the book to stay in control, or what I feel is control.

I told Master yesterday that I´m having a hard time letting go and that I am trying to control everything. He just told me that he knows, to let it go and just handle each situation as it arises. What comes will come, take it from there. Arrrrgh!

Can´t someone write down a nice minute by minute schedule for the weekend? But that would mean I have control, I´m not supposed to have that level control. I want to be in control as much as I actually don´t want it. I want to relax, I want to let go, I want to let Master handle everything and anything. To trust him to keep track of everything including me, so that I can get a break. Trying this hard to keep things in line that are not ment to stay in a neat line, trying to control things that are uncontrollable is very exhausting.

If I´m exhausted I´m more likely to explode out of frustration. Guess who gets to take that hit with full force?

Master will tell me it´s not his fault, we will then argue about it for ever, or at least a couple of hours. I will get more angry by the minute, Master will get more and more frustrated and get very angry with me, start screaming and yelling and be pissed of in general. Not really true that last part. He doesn´t really get angry and he doesn´t scream and yell, even if it sounds like it from where I´m standing. He isn´t pissed off, he is just using his dominant tone of voice. I have tried to tell Master that he doesn´t sound dominant, he sounds angry and very evil. Yes, that´s a good word, he sounds EVIL. It really scares me.

He is trying to help me get control over what is going on inside my head in the only way he can, which we both know works, in a BDSM situation. Pushing me towards submission, helping me to let go, not stopping until I really do let go and  submit completely.

While Master is in dominant mode, trying to help, all I hear is that he hates me! He hates all that I am. Our relationship will not live past this, it´s over. My life might just as well be over. There will be nothing to live for after this. I have done it again. The more I try to get the relationship to work the more it seems to break.

My brain eventually hits overload. I can´t handle things any more. I need Master to forgive me.

So everything usually ends with me sitting on my knees in front of Master crying my eyes out asking him to forgive me. Not caring what happens as long as he forgives me.

Lucky for me, he usually does, and tells me I´ve done good, as strange as it seems. But he is my Master and I trust him. If Master says I have done a good job then I have, even if I can´t feel it myself.