Journal Post #12 - Reflections of a Submissive

For months, Master has ordered me to write on the blog. The inspiration has been nonexistent and I have done everything that was possible to avoid writing. It has, until now, been impossible to find something to write about. Master has politely, but firmly, pointed out a few possible directions and topics, but nothing has felt right for me.

The last few days have been spent at work and after that clean up the huge mess in our apartment. Drawers and cabinets has been emptied and sorted out and then to be filled once again. Large amounts of debris have been cleared out and sent on a one way journey to the dump. This last month I’ve been pretty hyper, so it feels like a huge relief to get things sorted around me.

Now, while Master is asleep, I´m forced to stop the cleaning process, and when everything is quiet my thoughts automatically turn inwards. During normal circumstances this would have been something negative, but I’m trying to turn it into a positive experience this time.

While I was trying to sleep I started to think about what it is that I want to gain from my BDSM practice and how I choose to react and think in different situations because of that.
I want a lot of things and I fantasize about a lot of thing beyond what I want; But above all, I wish please my Master. That doesn’t sound very difficult, does it?

Why does this feel like an unobtainable goal then?

The easiest explanation would be to point the finger at Master and say that everything is his fault! That he isn´t very clear with what he wants from me, can´t be bothered with certain things and so on.

Unfortunately, I have to look soberly at the whole thing and honestly say that it’s probably me who is the biggest problem. Sure, Master has his quirks and flaws like all people but I should probably start with my own.

How can it be that I go around muttering and waiting for the Master to initiate various activities only to freak out completely just because he looks at me?

I do want him to whip me, so why do I automatically scream ‘no’  at the top of my lungs at the slightest hint that something is about to happen?

I want to be tied up or be told, as one example, to sleep in a dog bed on the floor next to  Master’s bed, but how could he do things like that if I keep going around complaining about aches and pains all the time?

I want to be exposed to some discomfort, such as wearing a buttplug that is slightly too big. Not so that it hurts, but causes some discomfort to remind me of the fact that my body belongs to Master and is his to use as he deems appropriate. That everything that happens isn’t always  a benefit to me and for my pleasure –  Which is something I tend to focus on too much and too often.

I have every confidence in my Master although not always noticeable. I would go to hell and back for him and if he so desired I would also have endured a whipping session with riding crops, even though I have a huge phobia towards them. I know I wouldn’t enjoy the actual whipping. I know that I wouldn’t enjoy or appreciate it but I would, at some level, find pleasure in the knowledge that he would enjoy it it. And at the same time I know that he would never hurt me.

What I do find very difficult to accept at the moment is Master’s latest toy, a violet wand. To say that I’m scared to death is perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, but just slightly.

I trust Master but it’s the machine itself I have difficulties with. The sound is incredibly stressful, as well as the knowledge that it’s electricity that’s actually being used. I am fully aware that I do not deal with pain very well at times, but I still think the violet wand hurts like hell. It’s probably more of a psychological pain rather than a physical one, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I know I’m in a hurry because I want so badly to reach the point in my submissive expression  where  I can follow Master’s orders comes without thinking or questioning – To simply give up my need for control.

I want to be able sit naked at the Masters feet while he entertains guests without being ashamed and be fully satisfied in the knowledge that I please him.

As Master likes to teach, advise and generally assist people with an interest in BDSM around the world, I want him to proudly be able to use me and my body to demonstrate various techniques and methods – As much as his other tools that he is using regularly, like a computer or a whip.

So I do know what I want and I know I am able to do all this, but I’m still going around in circles,not moving forward or even backwards.

The problem?

Lack of self-esteem and the necessary confidence in myself mixed with a strong need to control everything around me.

The solution?

Upgrading the relationship with a 24 / 7, tell the master to ignore my whining as it prevents us both from getting what we really want and then live with the consequences.

These solutions are all possible, but I probably need to think them through one more time.