What the *biiip* just happened??
I have been told to sit here and write, to clear my head.. But I´m not even sure where the *biiiiip* my head is at the moment. So just what am I supposed to write? Should I write that I´m staring at the screen seeing nothing? Should I write that I don’t even know what is up and what is down at the moment??
Write, clear your head, process what happened. Those were Master’s words. So here I am, writing.
I would much rather just go back to bed, hide my head under my pillow and and not come out until the weekend has passed. That’s not an option, but is seems like a good idea right now. I just want to hide, not to be seen, or heard. I just want to be left alone.. I want to disappear into my own little dream world. A world where everything is just the way I want it to be. A world where no one can tell me what to do. A world where I can´t fail, can´t let anyone down. A world where I can be just as perfect as I want or hope to be.
Such a world can only exist in my mind, not to be talked about. A world that no one else can ever enter even if they wanted to.
I don´t have to go to work today, but I still have an endless amount of things to do today. Things to clean, things to buy, places to go. I do not have time to sit here and write about absolutely nothing, which is all this is, nothing. It´s not clearing my head of all that is spinning round an round. Quite the opposite to tell the truth. It´s adding to all the things that I´m supposed to be letting go of.
My body is telling me it´s way past breakfast time, my mind isn´t listening. I should eat, I must eat.. And once again I will fail miserably. It seems like this is the only thing I do.. Fail.
I don´t have time for this, I have things to do! Why has he told me to do this? To make sure I fail yet again??
I can´t deal with this… Can´t anyone help me? Isn´t there anyone who can make all this just go away??
Subspace, why didn´t I reach subspace this time? Being in that calm space would have been heaven right about now. Wouldn´t have minded staying there until I have to go back to work Monday morning. Is it just me or has this weekend started out really bad?
If I didn´t have so many things to do today, I think I would have spent my entire day right here, in front of the computer. Either running around in Second Life spending loads and loads of money I don´t have, or perhaps on Facebook playing Farmville.
Wow, seriously…I can completely empathize with you here. I have been here so many times, dealing with the same “Write to clear your head” and staring at the screen. I love writing but when I am dropping I find it really difficult to focus long enough…only wanting to hide in my bed with the covers over my head, a box of tissues and a pillow. Not sure if you’ve hit that stage yet but soon enough you will appreciate being able to get that out. We all need a breaking moment when we drop and suddenly you find yourself rebounding.
I love subspace but often find the drops to be quite unbearable, some being worse than others but each carrying that heavy, disconnected and utter loneliness. Try, as hard as it sounds, meditating. On days like that, make yourself a “drop kit” a cd with your favorite upbeat music, something of your Master’s to keep close, drink plenty of water, avoid unhealthy foods (for whatever reason fatty foods tend to make it worse, not better lol) and even if it takes crawling into a hot bath…set time aside to meditate. I find it helps ALOT.
[…] Little was ordered to write a journal entry straight after her experience to speed up the processing a bit and that’s when she wrote Journal Entry #3 – The Success of Failure. […]