The Dominant's no no

I have to make a confession – The world of BDSM is filled with gossip.

Yes, the crowd populating the scene, community or whatever you want to call it can be a very accepting crowd. It can be a crowd which takes you in with open arms and with an honesty that you might not have encountered before. So far so good, right?

Well, the statement above is partly wrong and partly true as the same crowd can be very unforgiving when you fall out of grace. With all the honesty and acceptance comes a resentment towards people that are judged and the judgement is usually based on gossip.

I really dislike when the gossip starts flying around and for that reason I’ve created my very own “The Dominant’s no no list”, which is basically a list of things you shouldn’t engage in as a Dominant. I usually go back to it now and then to remind myself.

• Don’t comment on how other Dominants are exercising their dominance, especially with comments like “He/she seems very inexperienced” or “He/she really doesn’t know how to dominate someone”.

Passing judgements like that will make you look silly as it is usually based on nothing. Yep, you read it right you are basically talking out of your ass unless you have been dominating a lot of times together with the other person you are talking about.

• Don’t pass judgement on other Dominants in order to make yourself look good with comments like “He/she doesn’t seem experienced because I wouldn’t do the way he/she is doing it”.

If your comment is by any chance being done in reference to any safety issues, then so be it as that is totally acceptable. But if your comment is done to boost your own reputation, then let me ask you this: Who appointed you the honorable title “The One to rule them all”? I’ve been doing BDSM since about 10 years back and I always learn something new, every day. You are never done learning within BDSM as every relationship, every submissive and even every session is unique. So don’t use other Dominants as ego and reputation boosters just because they aren’t doing things “your way”. Experience is a relative thing.

• Don’t coach other Dominants submissives in relation to their Dominant. I have bumped into flagrant comments like “That Dominant is not good for that submissive”.

Just butt out unless there are some obvious cause for harm, illegal activities or abuse based on non consensual activities. Some of you reading this might wonder why you should butt out and my answer to that thought is quite simple and straightforward; Because you don’t know anything about the dynamics within the relationship you are trying so kindly to coach. Don’t believe that you are observing things in an objective manner and that it makes you into a very suitable coach, because it doesn’t. What you see is what you interpret and your interpretation might be way off. Just think about when vanilla people are looking at a BDSM session for the very first time – Do you think they get everything right?

• Don’t gossip as gossip is usually based on what people tend to, wrongfully, believe are facts. These so called “facts” are in most cases based on unverifiable information.

Usually we hear the juicy stuff from someone who is a friend of a friend who is a friend…..and that is the security system in gossiping if things are discovered to be just gossip; No one has to take  responsibility as they have all heard it from someone else, i.e they are not the one that started the whole thing. My opinion is that gossip is for cowards and should be contested at all times, especially when it is done with the intent to give someone a bad reputation. If you don’t know if the things that you are being told are true or not, then don’t spread it yourself. Talk to the person who is subject to the gossip, listen to their side of the story. I have done that myself a lot of times and it is usually very enlightening.

I try to follow my own no no’s as best as I can, I fail at times, but having these as guidelines have kept me out of a lot of potential drama.