Where Do You Start With BDSM Part 9 - The Good Submissive

This post is not trying to be normative – It’s written by a Dominant from a dominant perspective, but the skills I am referring to is outside of the role of being a submissive as it doesn’t refer to servitude or similar skills which you should make use of when you are in your BDSM persona.

So what is a good submissive? This seems to be a holy graal to a lot of people, even on the dominant side and it is almost like people are looking for a benchmark to judge themselves against. Before we go further into the discussion I want to kill a big myth: BDSM is not a competition – There is no way to be “the best submissive”, it all depends on who you are playing with. Someone that is a good submissive to me could just be obnoxious to another dominant.

It is also easy, from an outside perspective, to only see external expressions of submission as things that makes a good submissive. Seeing things like kneeling, obedience etc. is very easy, seeing what is going on inside the submissive is somewhat harder.Processing is a really important skill within BDSM, it shows that you are able to take in all the experiences you made during a scene and deal with them and this is utterly important in order to develop your BDSM skills, no matter if you are a dominant or a submissive. How the processing is done and how long it takes is very individual, some submissives want to talk when the processing starts, while others don’t want to talk until they have externalised their thoughts and made them into something that is understandable. A good submissive skill is also to be able to involve the dominant in the processing or at least to be able to inform of what is going on. To me processing is done in tandem, some parts of the processing is driven by the dominant, other parts are driven by the submissive – But it is always done together.

It isn’t possible to express every experience or thought in words, but make no mistake about it – They will come out one way or the other and that is something that both the submissive and the dominant have to be prepared for. The solution that is the king in every BDSM related situation; Communication.

Communication is a must and it needs to be established on emotional levels as well as on logical ones and you need, as a submissive, to train your communication skills. Communication within BDSM shouldn’t be about blaming someone for the feelings you are getting during a session – It’s about understanding. What can you do in order to make the other person understand why you get into a certain state of mind. Expressing emotions is in most cases easy to do, making something useful of it is harder to do and this is the essence of good BDSM communication skills, take your feelings and your experience and make something out of it.

Another important skills is one that refers to the knowledge that is necessary in order to give the Dominant counterpart an OK.

When you read advice given to other people in forums they vary in quality, which is natural as we all have travelled differently on our individual BDSM journey. What worries me, when advice is given, is that sometimes the urge to defend the perceived freedom within the kink is stronger rather than telling someone that they are a danger to themselves or to other people.

This doesn’t happen often, it’s just an extreme case to illuminate what I am trying to say. On the other hand, what happens more often in forums is that people try to establish norms while still trying to advocate total freedom – Which gives a skewed view of BDSM.

Yes, there is high degree of freedom within BDSM. You can kick people in the balls, if you know what you are doing. You can psychologically break someone in the name of BDSM, if you know what you are doing. You can even lock someone up for days, as long as you know what you are doing.

“As long as you know what you are doing” – These are the words I am trying sell here. Within the community we talk a lot about consent, but how about if we develop that into what is called informed consent?

Consent, is in most cases, discussed from a one side perspective. Consent is something that the submissive gives the dominant to allow the play to start or continue, within established boundaries. Informed consent requires both parties to take more responsibilities, to educate themselves before they embark on the preplanned BDSM journey. I, as a dominant, has a responsibility to inform any potential submissive of the consequences that can arise from what I am doing to them. The submissive’s responsibility is to check up on their side to validate the information that I’ve given – Everyone has a responsibility to inform themselves as well as to inform others.

One sentence I usually see in forums when someone has given an advice is “but each to their own…”. I am starting to turn against those words. I understand that they are uttered in order to protect the freedom within the kink. But they can also create an unhealthy ambiguity for someone that is new to BDSM.

Sometimes people get too little information and too much responsibility to enable them to make a good informed decision.

This is one of your most important skills that will keep your sane and alive when you do BDSM – Always read up on stuff that you are consenting to.

But the most important thing is that you are true to yourself, always ask if you enjoy what you are being subjected to. Always think about if you are getting something from it as well – Submissives are never supposed to be victims, they are strong individuals that have the courage to enjoy a sexual freedom that they have chosen for themselves as sane and consensual adults.

And in the end; You are the only one responsible for your own happiness and well being.