When you start to have a really explicit interest and want to do some BDSM then it can be quite daunting – How do you know what you will like!?
I remember when I got started; I didn’t know at all what I liked and I am not sure that I even knew that I was into BDSM. What I did know from the “early days” was that I got tremendously turned on by women that were wearing cuffs and if they had latex clothes on, the better. But there is also a big difference between consuming visuals and enjoy what you are getting from that and actually doing things in terms of acts.
Do you remember what I wrote in my post about honesty? I wrote that you should always do an inventory of your own thoughts and emotions around certain things and that is basically what I did. I did some serious soul searching and reached a couple of conclusions:
- I like to be the provider of a journey and an experience – This later led me to work as a teacher at a university for almost 10 years.
- I like to push my partner to provide an experience that will make her go “Wow I did it!”
- I enjoy being in control throughout the whole procedure and being the one that pulls the person “back to reality” – It gives me a calm state of mind that I can thrive on for days.
This led me into the subset of BDSM that is usually known as D/s – Domination and submission.
Some people might argue that there is too much labeling going on within the BDSM community and this is something I don’t agree with at all. Labeling is good most of the time because it puts perspective on things and it puts you on a map which makes it easier to discuss certain matters in relation to each other. But there are also people that try to use labeling to point out that their label might be better than yours and that’s wrong. But this is not related to the tendency to label yourself and others, the problem is that people sometimes use labels in a way that they are not supposed to use them. So labeling is usually good for the sake of a discussion, but a label never define your values, who you are or make you better than everyone else.
None the less – I label myself as a Dominant within BDSM – Because that defines how I like to play and how I want to organise my relationships and I reached this conclusion a bunch of years ago due to my soul searching and my feelings.
Those were my big conclusions and then my big problems started – Besides figuring out I am on the Dominant side of things I had to figure out how I wanted to express my Dominance and my sexuality which was no easy task. There is a wonderful world out there with all sorts of kinks that you can indulge yourself in – It’s a huge buffet! But it doesn’t matter how many dishes there are on the buffet table if you don’t know if you like the food in question. So what do you have to do?
Well, it is quite easy – You have to do some soul searching again, a process that should never end and try out the things you find interesting. I am fairly open to a lot of things, there are very few kinks that I wouldn’t like to try. Scat is one of the and blood play is another. I respect people that are into these things, but they are not my kind of kink because the health risks that I find connected to them. So I quickly found out that these kinks weren’t for me.
I have always found human sexuality to be fascinating and I’ve read a lot about different kinks to get familiarized with them long before I found myself doing BDSM. This was quite useful when I started to fill out my first BDSM Checklist. I had to do some soul searching again and check this against my knowledge about different type kinks.
So in order to understand yourself a little bit better, fill out a BDSM Check List. Put it away for a couple of days and then return to it and go through what you have written. It is a also a very good tool to use when you are going to communicate with your partner.
