We have a reader who sent us a question about responsibilities in a BDSM relationship just before Christmas and I had to give it some serious thoughts before I answered it. Now My thinking period is over, so here we go.
Amanda sent us the following question:
I have read some of your site. Maybe you can help me. What is the Master responsible for in real life? What is a slave responsible for? What does slave and submissive mean? I hear contradictory things, and I want to do it right.
Amanda
I believe that the question you’re asking needs to be broken down and some definitions have to be established. First, I would like to differentiate between a submissive and a slave. My personal opinion is that the biggest differentiation should be based on the level of power exchange and the character of it. Being a slave means total power exchange, TPE, and there are no parts of your life which are not accessible to your owner and the slave is a slave 24/7. Being a submissive might be the same, but it might also be different when it comes to the boundaries of the power exchange and the level of how much you immerse yourself into the BDSM aspects. From the Dominant side of things I believe that a TPE based relationship will require a lot more micro-management.
To me being a slave implies 24/7 and TPE without any breaks from being a slave.
Some people tend to mix status into the differentiation that I am making, saying being a slave is more “real” than being a submissive, I don’t agree with that at all – There is no difference in status between a submissive compared to being a slave. It is just a matter of what you have chosen to be.
Now to the next part of your question: What is the Master responsible for in real life?
There is no difference in responsibilities compared to an “ordinary” relationship, you treat each other in the way you want to be treated. When it comes to the BDSM context, then it is almost identical. The Dominant is responsible for the things that have been established as responsibilities during the negotiations, which means that the Dominant is responsible for controlling you, managing you as agreed upon based on limits and negotiations. The submissive has the responsibility of taking care of the Dominant in a suitable manner that has been established through training and negotiations.
That is within the context of BDSM, but I would like to elaborate a little bit more based on your question and I would also like to develop your question a little bit more.
What kind of responsibility do you have as a human being?
Ask yourself that question a couple of times and then I will give you a clear-cut answer.
No one is responsible for your happiness, you are the only one that is responsible for your own well-being.
Let me clarify this statement based on what I have observed in other relationships and experienced myself. A lot of people live with the disbelief that a Dominant or a submissive will make them happy. The Dominant or submissive will take care of them and acknowledge them, give them self esteem, make them feel whole.
Will this ever happen?
My, maybe cynical, answer to this is a loud no. You have to find a way of tapping into your own happiness and your partner might enable you to do that. If that happens, then you are in a good relationship. But a partner can never put the happiness inside of you if it isn’t inside of you from the start. Happiness needs a lot of work and if you aren’t successful, then you need to leave the things that make you feel unhappy behind you. The only one that can make you do this is you.
This means that in any relationship you need to evaluate if it makes you happy and if it doesn’t then you need to leave it behind. No one else will dissolve the relationship for you.
This is your uttermost responsibility towards yourself. I have seen too many Dominants and submissives staying in relationships that are making them feel miserable and in a relationship like that, everyone becomes a s loser. Every relationship needs to be worked on and you should do your best, but if that isn’t working – Then you have to change things and that is your most important responsibility towards yourself and your partner.
When a relationship isn’t working out then it is usually because everyone involved have forgotten the responsibility towards themselves.
Communicating and take care of yourself are two core responsibilities in any relationship, not just relationships based on BDSM.
You state in your question that you want to do things “right”. There is no specific way of doing BDSM the “right way”, except when it comes to safety issues. The most important thing is that you do BDSM the way you want to do it. My guess is this would be the right way for you.