One opinion that I usually encounter when I read through forums and discussion groups is that if you trust your partner and have a healthy relationship then the usage of safewords isn’t necessary. The rationale is that the Dominant knows all the aspect of the submissive and by doing so he/she is actually able to read when the submissive has had enough. This ability is based on the longterm nature of the relationship, outside of the BDSM context, and the deep trust that the couple shares.
Nothing could be more wrong…
This is a perfect example of what I refer to as the romanticised image of BDSM and safewords do not represent the state of a relationship in any form or shape, period. The romanticised image is also something that is usually more often expressed by female submissives.
You’re trusting magic, not your Dominant. There are situations when it might become hard for a Dominant to interpret the process. You are putting all the responsibility in the hands of your Dominant, which to me doesn’t seem right when it comes to safety.
Look at it from a practical perspective; sometimes things go wrong in your head and it isn’t always easy to externalise what you are feeling through facial expression, body language etc. If it is hard to externalise then it is hard to read. You scream “Stop” to end what is being done, your Dominant continues as it triggers instead of being perceived as a request to finish. When everything comes around, do you really want to give your Dominant a guilt trip where the only feeling that comes out of the play is the fact that they’ve hurt you beyond pleasure and agreement?
My guess is that your answer is probably a loud and clear no and if it isn’t then I believe you need to get your head out of the pink flowers, floating hearts and violins that might be surrounding your image of BDSM. Now you might be thinking that you don’t need a safeword because of the way you are playing with your partner. My question then, right back at you, is; How do you know that? You cannot possibly forsee the future and you cannot always know where you will end up in a session as a submissive – The safeword is there to cover these uncertainties.
The use of a safeword in a relationship doesn’t mean that you two don’t understand each other and cannot communicate. It means that you care about each other and are concerned about each others safety – It is a fail safe, nothing more, nothing less. Safewords are used for communication purposes in a fuzzy context when things and statements that are used in a normal context is turned upside down. No means yes, slut means someone you care for, flogging is an act of love, crying and screaming is something you want to do.
It can get confusing at times.
I always advocate the use of a safeword because no matter how good the relationship is I still can’t be inside the head of my partner and communication mishaps do occur during play.
It is, in most cases, female superstition that the male Dominant should be able to see the bare soul of his submissive and interpret every flinch as she is exposing herself to him during a session – If he doesn’t have this ability, then the relationship between then isn’t good at all.
My only response to such a bold belief is that I’m not nmagician – No one is when it comes to BDSM and safewords replaces magic and superstition.