You have done your home work and practiced your skills and suddenly there’s a questions that pops up in your mind – How do you become a good Dominant?

It’s a tricky subject because as soon as you mention the idea of a “good Dominant” then it seems like you are trying to benchmark Dominant against each others. This is of course not the purpose of this post but I will point out that I do believe that there is and should be an expected level of behaviour based on general and unspoken rules. These rules can also be changed after a negotiation, but before a negotiation then I believe in a general protocol and etiquette.

Let’s first start with the biggest misunderstanding:

Being a Dominant doesn’t mean that you have to be rude. A lot of people that try the occasional BDSM actually think the more rude you are, the more Dominant you are. That’s totally wrong. This idea of being rude is the same as being Dominant is even more common on social networks for people into BDSM and it’s probably due to the anonymity that they offer.

I have some simple guidelines that I try to follow in order to keep everything I do within my own boundaries.

  1. Never expect non-consensual parties to participate in the Dominant play. The dominance is  between you and the submissive, as a Dominant you can never expect a third party to be a part of the training that you do with your submissive. A kind request could always be put out – But a no should always be respected. This also means that I am cautious when it comes to public play in contexts where BDSM isn’t a part of an expected behaviour.
  2. Just because people are dead horny doesn’t mean that they will become good submissives. Finding a good partner is similar to building a relationship to anyone in other contexts. It is all about chemistry and trust and it is a good thing if the relationship is built on the same thing within BDSM as well – The element of trust is even more important in BDSM as you hand over the control to the Dominant and the Dominant has to trust the submissive equally.
  3. There is in some contexts an expectation on your behaviour as a Dominant. To me a Dominant sets the standards, that means that you should have a high degree of politeness towards people in general. A gentleman’s way of being is good before a scene and after a scene, during aftercare and debriefing. An emotionally straining scene always puts the responsibility on the Dominant to catch the sub as they recover emotionally from it.
  4. Treat everyone with respect. This is a tricky part as a scene can call for some disrespectful behaviour towards your sub. But the real respect is carried out by “reading” your sub all the time during the scene. As a Dominant you have a responsibility to fulfill the needs of someone else as well. This statement will probably be debated, dependant of what thought you have around the role of a Dominant.
  5. Always have a boundary discussion. Your submissive is treating you with a great deal of respect as you are given the trust to have total control – Honor that respect by not stepping over established hard limits.
  6. Always debrief a scene as good BDSM might mess with people’s heads – Don’t underestimate that fact.
  7. Always have a mindset that puts you in a learning mode. There are no “end level” or a fully learned Dominant. Dominants that are inexperienced, but willing to learn are easy to handle as they realise their limits. Dominants who think they are fully learned, that they know it all, are the most dangerous ones. They don’t realise their mistakes and as they don’t do this then they don’t learn from them either. This is also one of the reasons that sessions might go wrong.
  8. If you feel that you are inexperienced – Acknowledge it. Get a mentor, talk to other Dominants, take their advice for it. The same thing goes if you are a submissive.

These are general guidelines that I try to follow as much as I can, but I also have list of things that I try to avoid.

I really dislike when the gossip starts flying around and for that reason I’ve created my very own “The Dominant’s no no list”, which is basically a list of things you shouldn’t engage in as a Dominant. I usually go back to it now and then to remind myself.

  • Don’t comment on how other Dominants are exercising their dominance, especially with comments like “He/she seems very inexperienced” or “He/she really doesn’t know how to dominate someone”.

Passing judgements like that will make you look silly as it is usually based on nothing. Yep, you read it right you are basically talking out of your ass unless you have been dominating a lot of times together with the other person you are talking about.

  • Don’t pass judgement on other Dominants in order to make yourself look good with comments like “He/she doesn’t seem experienced because I wouldn’t do the way he/she is doing it”.

If your comment is by any chance being done in reference to any safety issues, then so be it as that is totally acceptable. But if your comment is done to boost your own reputation, then let me ask you this: Who appointed you the honorable title “The One to rule them all”? I’ve been doing BDSM since about 10 years back and I always learn something new, every day. You are never done learning within BDSM as every relationship, every submissive and even every session is unique. So don’t use other Dominants as ego and reputation boosters just because they aren’t doing things “your way”. Experience is a relative thing.

  • Don’t coach other Dominants submissives in relation to their Dominant. I have bumped into flagrant comments like “That Dominant is not good for that submissive”.

Just butt out unless there are some obvious cause for harm, illegal activities or abuse based on non consensual activities. Some of you reading this might wonder why you should butt out and my answer to that thought is quite simple and straightforward; Because you don’t know anything about the dynamics within the relationship you are trying so kindly to coach. Don’t believe that you are observing things in an objective manner and that it makes you into a very suitable coach, because it doesn’t. What you see is what you interpret and your interpretation might be way off. Just think about when vanilla people are looking at a BDSM session for the very first time – Do you think they get everything right?

  • Don’t gossip as gossip is usually based on what people tend to, wrongfully, believe are facts. These so called “facts” are in most cases based on unverifiable information.

Usually we hear the juicy stuff from someone who is a friend of a friend who is a friend…..and that is the security system in gossiping if things are discovered to be just gossip; No one has to take  responsibility as they have all heard it from someone else, i.e they are not the one that started the whole thing. My opinion is that gossip is for cowards and should be contested at all times, especially when it is done with the intent to give someone a bad reputation. If you don’t know if the things that you are being told are true or not, then don’t spread it yourself. Talk to the person who is subject to the gossip, listen to their side of the story. I have done that myself a lot of times and it is usually very enlightening.

I try to follow my own no no’s as best as I can, I fail at times, but having these as guidelines have kept me out of a lot of potential drama.

In the end there is one important thing you need to do, independent of guidelines and advice – Be yourself and be honest about who you are. Do what comes natural to you but also keep in mind that when you do BDSM then it means that you are interacting with other people and it requires boundaries and some sort social framework based on common grounds and these guidelines can be the foundation for such a common ground.