Where Do You Start With BDSM Part 10 - How Do You Avoid Bad BDSM?

I should be honest and say it straight out – Avoiding bad BDSM isn’t hard, but there are still people out there that end up in bad situations or relationships. Mistakes will happen when you do BDSM, your judgement will eventually fail you at times and you might get hurt from it, emotionally or physically. Some mishaps are unavoidable but the ones that is a great danger to your well being is something that you can avoid by actively taking care of your safety. You well being isn’t your partner’s responsibility in the end – The only one responsible for you is you!

I’ve put together things that I find important when I’ve looked for partners and when I’ve started to play with someone. This is by no means complete as the reality is way more complex, but it will at least send you off in the right direction.My advise to people asking me about meeting a kinky partner through a social networking site is to have some simple safety measures in place before meeting up with that person.

• If it is too good to be true, then it usually is – If you bump into a person, try to see through your own “romantic filters” by being sober about everything. Remember that when we are chatting with people online in text, we mostly read things with our own voice and interpret from the specific mood we are in at that moment. If the person you are chatting with in text seems so perfect after two chat sessions, then I would say that you romantic filters are cluttering things up. Differentiate between the romanticised image you have of BDSM or another kink and the reality of it.
• Tell your friends about the new person that you are chatting with as soon as possible – Friends are good to have, especially if they don’t agree with you because they can sometimes make you see things in a different light. Let your friends in on your intentions and feelings.
• Social networks are special environments to meet a partner in – Social networks are a wonderful things and they have made the kink community bloom due to the fact that it is so easy to find a person that is into the same thing as you are. I personally love this fact and I am all for it. This also comes at a price; Thruth and honesty are sometimes rare commodities when it comes to social networks and the possibility to be anonymous or deceitful about your true identity emphasize this fact. Don’t trust pictures and personal profiles on the web, we all want to look good when we are being looked at by others and how people present themselves in a social network is comparable to how you present yourself during a job interview – You want to make yourself look as good as possible. Added to this problem is another phenomena – Some people out there role play in forums and social networks through identities that they have made up and to them the social networks are just big gaming areas where they can emo play or create social destruction.
• Always check up on the other persons credibility and the validity of the information given – Some people might find it a bit rude to check up on the background of the other person. I don’t agree with this opinion at all, you are just doing your homework and it is a homework that has to be done for the sake of your own safety. It doesn’t matter if your are a Dominant or a submissive, you are literally putting your life in the hands of another person when you eventually decide to meet up with. Ask where that person went to school, name of friends and other tidbits that can be of importance. When you have some information then you can actually check up if what the person is saying is true or not.
• Use references – Ask for references, friends that can confirm what the other is saying is actually true. If the other person don’t want to give you any information regarding this then there might be something fishy going on. The usage of references is quite well accepted within the BDSM community and this is where the local BDSM community and  the online community should work together. Check with the local BDSM community about their opinion about the person you are chatting with. A person that is both active in the local community as well as in the online community is, to my opinion, less prone to be a “player” – And to be honest; There are always players within every BDSM oriented social network – People that claim that they are into BDSM but what they are actually looking for is an easy fuck.

If the person you are chatting with is honest, then they will help you out to follow the pointers above. If the person isn’t honest about themselves then you will probably find inconsistencies in the stories that you are being fed with – And if that is the case then pull out.

If and when you decide to meet up with the person then there is a set of safety measures that always has to be in place.

• When you meet with the other person for the first time, do it in a public setting – Meet up with the person during a munch or a BDSM gathering. By doing so you always have the possibility to call out for help if anything should happen. If the other person are doing last minute changes and want you to meet up with him/her in a more secluded setting then pull out. Never get into the other persons car or house because then you are  making yourself quite vulnerable.
• Always tell your friends where you are going and who you are going with – Tell your friends, in detail, about your plans and time schedule in order to make it easier for them to sound the alarm in case you should divert from the original details that you have given.
• The other person you are meeting should also be concerned about your safety – If the person you are going to meet up with care about you then he/she should also be concerned about your safety. I always find it more assuring if the other person is explicitly telling me that I am given information so I can do a check up. It is also a good sign if the other person is giving your pointers on how to keep yourself safe when you are meeting up with them for the first time.
• Always do safety calls – This is a technique that is very efficient and it basically means that you ask the same friend that know about your schedule and who you are going to meet up with to receive your safety calls. You are then supposed to call your friend at a certain time and if you don’t call within a certain time then that friend should start to take measures. Do a lot of safety calls during your initial date, one call isn’t enough. Don’t leave any room for errors, your life might be dependant on this one.
• Use code – If you should end up in trouble and the person putting you in trouble is forcing you to do the safety call and act as normal, then do so. But have an established codeword that will tell your friend that you are in danger and that you are making the safety call under threat.
• Some cellphones can be used as tracking devices – Technological advances are wonderful when it comes to personal safety. Before you are going to meet up with a person you have met through a social network then subscribe to a tracking service. Give the access to the tracking service to your friend that knows about your activities and is the one that receives your safety calls. Your friend can then track your positions and judge if they are consistent with your schedule.
• Always inform the person you are meeting that you have safety procedures in place – This one works as a deterrent and the other person will also know that you are taking care of yourself. A responsible and honest date will confirm that and agree with your safety measures.
• Never play on the first date – Use the first time to get to know the other person and to just talk. This might not be easy if you are horny for some play, but as they say; Patience is a virtue.
• Never get locked up the first time you play – Never agree to being locked up on the first time you play because you don’t know how the other person operates during play and being looked up leaves you exposed. This should be applied even if you decide to play with the person at a BDSM club as loud music and dim lights can mask a situation that needs attention from others. If you are locked up, then you cannot escape, it is as simple as that.

It’s time to get street smart about social networks.

I’ve used social networks when meeting up with the submissives I have had relationships with and I have always used these guidelines when meeting submissives abroad for my own protection – Even Dominants can end up at the wrong end of the stick. I have always been on my guard for a fair amount of time, my physical and emotional safety is dependant on it.

Remember that trust is never given, it is always earned. It is something that the other person has to earn through an expected behaviour and if the expected behaviour isn’t there – Get out…

The guidelines that are given above are targeted at people looking for a partner to play with, but what if you are already in a relationship?

The same thing goes as I’ve mentioned in the other posts about the Good Dominant and the Good submissive; communication is an absolute necessity. In most cases it is one or the other partner that initiate the idea of trying out BDSM, but in many cases there is also a fear of expressing the kinks that you might have.

One way of removing the drama around expressing your kinks and also find out if your partner is ok with them is to fill out a kink list. Each person fills out a kink list after a nice dinner and a glass of wine as a fun game and then you can read if your partner is hostile, embarrassed etc towards certain kinks. This will most certainly take the drama out of “coming out” with your kinks.

Once you’ve established which kinks you both want to try out then go for it, but respect if the other person don’t want to do it again because what you’ve tried out didn’t do anything for that person. Do a journey diary together to make it fun as well and to get into the habit of processing, which I mentioned in my Good submissive post. It is also a good way of keeping track of your likes and dislikes and it will make it easier to update your kink list.

Knowledge is the foundation for safe BDSM – You need to read up on what you are doing and you need to practice. Be aware of limitations of your partner and the human body as well.

But the most important thing of them all is that you don’t forget to have fun along the way – BDSM should also involve some good laughs.

This one can be repeated over and over again and still there are BDSM sessions going wrong because failure in communication. Communication can be carried out in many ways; behaviour and objects can be used in communication as well. I will explain this through my own experiences.

One thing that I find hard is actually to tell when then BDSM session should start, as I am not living in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with total power exchange. Its no fun making arrangements like “Do you want to get flogged tonight?” as that will take the surprise and spontaneity out of the whole thing.

We have solved that in a ritualised manner with a collar. Our marker, that tells us that we are in a BDSM mode, is a collar. The collar can only be put on by me, but Little can of course ask me to put it on. When the collar is being put on, then we use our BDSM personas.

I have always found it hard to go in and out of my BDSM persona without a clear marker that tells me when the BDSM session starts, so I have always used a collar to mark the start and end of the BDSM session and when I am going into my dominant persona. A collar is of course not the only thing you can use, you can use a specific piece of clothing or a ring – Something that you both have agreed upon.

The collar have a couple of different meanings to me as well, one of the most important ones are the sense of belonging – Through the collar I am showing Little that she belongs to me, not as something I own, but as a partner and that she is supposed to submit to me.

It also represent the responsibility I have towards her and that I am supposed to take care of her and handle her in a trustworthy manner.

The collar is a persona boundary, a psychological failsafe. When the collar is on then I am using my BDSM persona and the things I do to Little are done with that in mind – It means I am not doing them to her as her boyfriend.

Does that sound complicated? Well, it might be a bit complicated but the purpose is to prevent a spill over effect. Frustrations and anger that are built up during the BDSM session are supposed to stay within the BDSM session and not reflect upon our relationship as boy- and girlfriend. This is of course easier said than done, but my opinion is that the collar helps us to do that in a very explicit way. There is of course no guarantee that a spill over will never happen and it has happened, and that is when a good aftercare is necessary on a psychological level.

When you get effects after a BDSM session – And you will have effects occuring sooner or later, then you need to think about aftercare.

Aftercare is a very important concept within BDSM and an uttermost necessity. Aftercare is, to me, not just the cuddles, getting fluids or providing a blanket. It is also the occasion where the Dominant and submissive pick up the experience of the scene/training that they have done together. Aftercare means rationalisation and putting words to the things that are unsaid or felt.

BDSM creates strong emotions, especially when you take the power away from someone, and these emotions might not be obvious when you do the scene, they might emerge days afterwards; a feeling of emptiness, humiliation, loneliness etc. And good BDSM always creates strong emotions, but good BDSM becomes even better if the emotions are understood and put on the table – The feelings that the scene invoked needs to be understood. This is where the role of the Dominant also becomes very important. As a Dominant you have to push the submissive to work through the emotional response.

It’s not uncommon after a harsh BDSM session that the submissive shuts herself/himself down in terms of internal processing – And this needs to be done in most cases. But the shutdown cannot go on forever and as a Dominant you need to get the submissive back into processing mode. When the processing starts then there’s a lot of emotions that might be coming through. The Dominant needs to pick these up and make something out of it if the submissive hasn’t done this already – The Dominant provides an alternative interpretation of things. Its also not very uncommon that the Dominant gets the blame for everything that is going on  – It is the Dominant that has put the submissive in the position he or she is in.

The blame is something the dominant has to withstand – With care. It’s very important to stay calm and look rationally at the anger being put on the Dominant. If the Dominant starts to put prestige into things or take everything personally then that will definitely kill the aftercare process.

The first sign of a Dominant being put on the blame spot or an internal thought process that is stuck on the submissive’s side is usually when comments like “You don’t understand what I am saying” or “You don’t understand me” are being uttered. This is where the Dominant has to stay calm – The main concern of the Dominant in this case as the giver of aftercare is to make the submissive understand herself/himself.

Not any of these things are easy and it is treacherous waters to navigate and it can create a lot of insecurities, but the Dominant needs to create a stable foundation, a platform for discussion and analysis.

In the end it is all about communication…