I have a voice.
One that only I can hear.
It’s there all the time, nagging and niggling about anything and everything. Constantly reminding me of all the jobs I have to do, planning days ahead what we are going to have for dinner, or totally random thoughts that just seem to pop out of nowhere. Usually, they are things I have no control over, like the weather or how the car is going to behave over a long journey.
It’s always been there, the voice. Loudest at time of stress, like when my job was disappearing due to a restructure, or when my father died. The voice would start, usually in the middle of the night, waking me up with its bitter accusations of guilt and stoking the fires of my worries. It would not let me sleep again, as it constantly reminded me of my regrets. Things I could have done better. Things I could have said. Things I no longer had any influence over, or the ability to change. Nevertheless, this voice would always bring to the fore my feelings of self doubt and inadequacy.
Most of the time, I can push it into the background, so I can’t really hear what it’s saying without actually making an effort to listen. It becomes the occasional reminder that I am not perfect.
Finding Problems
[/mpc_textblock]Up until recently neither myself or my Master has been working. So as you can imagine money matters have been a cause for concern. Trying to find the best deals, ensuring that there was always food on the table, and that the kids were always clean and well dressed had become my main priority.
So as you can probably imagine, the voice would take every opportunity to encourage my worries about making ends meet. It had the most annoying way of making things much worse than they actually were, sending me into an ever increasing spiral of negativity.
Now that I am working, the money worries are certainly less than they were, and the nagging voice is not as loud as before. Well, at least not about the lack of money. Now it has found something else to pester me about.
Lack of Time
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Time.
Time is what I lack now. Time to do all the things I had chance to do before I started working. Being out at work, even if it is only part time, to me at least, has had an impact on the way I give service to my Master.
Yes I still manage to do everything I did before as far as running the house is concerned. I still do all the cooking and laundry, and its been a great help that the kids are now helping a little (although with some encouragement) with the cleaning. But there is always this nagging feeling that I am not giving the same level of service as I did before.
The Service
[/mpc_textblock]I stress sometimes about trying to fit things in around my work commitments. What doesn’t help is the fact that my schedule changes frequently, meaning that it can be very hard to plan ahead, and for someone like me, who thrives on order and regularity, it can lead to a great deal of frustration.
Of course, most of my inability to serve my Master appropriately is only my own perception of the situation. Not once has he commented that I have not completed some task properly, or suggested that I am not serving him correctly. It is all just my own feelings of imperfection that make me feel this way.
Of course what that irritating voice fails to tell me is that my job is actually a form of service to my Master. By going out to work, bringing home money to contribute towards the household costs, I am in fact being of service to him, even though I am no longer at home all day, available to serve him whenever he needed. I’m still serving him, just in a different way.
You see the voice only ever tells me negative things, it never tells me when I have done something well, or praise me for taking the initiative and acting spontaneously. Thats not its purpose. It’s purpose is to try to motivate me to do better, and to serve my Master well. The problem is that its always easier to focus on the negative and ignore the positive.
His Voice
[/mpc_textblock]However, there is another voice.
One that encourages me and keeps me on the path.
The path that both myself and my Master walk together, and it is his voice that guides me along.
His voice helps me to serve him the way he wants. Instructing and encouraging, his voice is the one I want to listen to, and if I can concentrate on that, the other negative voice just disappears, pushed back into the darkness, allowing me to focus on what is important. His voice is the only one that matters, the only one I should listen to.
Touched. To the core of my being I am touched by your voice, how much I recognize myself, how much I can relate.
This describes everything I could never, despite trying several times. And it also puts some of the pieces together, why “voices” matter to the point of baring with things, or breaking down… Why the loss of some voices, can be the loss of so much more.
Thanks. I will share this with my friends.